Buttermilk & Molasses

APRIL FOOL'S POST: State Announces Ban on Milk, Bread Sales

APRIL FOOL'S POST:

Virginia's Department of Emergency Management released a preliminary report on the Commonwealth's response to the late winter snowstorm that paralyzed Central Virginia last month. Among its recommendations -- a prohibition on the sale of milk, bread, cigarettes and condoms within 72 hours of inclement weather predictions by the National Weather Service.

"All of us know the story," said DEM Director Jack Pathos at a press conference held earlier today. "John Bernier calls for snow, lots of it. Lines of people form for carts at local grocery stores. Elbows get thrown in the dairy departments."

Pathos said DEM's study clearly shows that more pre-storm emergency room visits are logged for black eyes, broken toes and strained backs -- from in-store brawls and customers carrying too many groceries in one trip -- than after storms hit, when fractures from slips and falls are more common.

APRIL FOOL'S POST: BREAKING NEWS: Times-Dispatch Breaks from Media General; Acquires Boomer Life

APRIL FOOL'S POST:

Richmond's media wars have just gotten a little more interesting.

Thomas Silvestri, publisher of the Richmond Times-Dispatch, announced this morning that the daily paper was severing its relationship with parent company Media General and beginning an aggressive stock buy-back program.

Silvestri also announced that the Times-Dispatch would acquire local monthly magazine Boomer Life, which is largely comprised of well-seasoned former TD columnists.

"We like to think of it as a reacquisition," Silvestri said with a chuckle. Boomer Life is staffed by 37 once-popular Times-Dispatch columnists from the 1970s.

"What's most fascinating about this abrupt move is that it clearly positions the Times-Dispatch to own the region's lifestyle market," said Jeff Southerly, professor of mass communications at Virginia Commonwealth University. "As the Baby Boomer generation realizes that the devaluation in the stock market has effectively pushed their retirement out another 10-15 years, the Times-Dispatch is set to take advantage of the generational shift."

Southerly said that media analysts had predicted that Boomers would stop reading print newspapers after retirement, preferring to sleep in late or take in a few early rounds of golf. Putting the brakes on retirement plans means most Boomers will continue their morning ritual of coffee, oatmeal and a newspaper.

In addition to the new relationships, Silvestri said an immediate redesign is underway.

"Readers of the new Boomer-Dispatch are going to be delighted by our new lifestyle wrap," Silvestri said. "We're slamming Jann Malone right on A1, and moving national and international news to A16. Everything in between -- reprints over time of every column ever written by Ross MacKenzie."

Silvestri believes the new food-and-commentary-and-sports angle might keep the daily paper viable for another decade.

APRIL FOOL'S POST: Mayor Embraces Regional Solution to Jails, Mortgage Crisis

APRIL FOOL'S POST:

On his visit with the G20 leaders in London this week, President Barack Obama will cite Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones' ambitious plan to simultaneously address the need for a regional jail and to stem to growing tide of foreclosures on homes in the region as being "creative, bold and very similar to an idea I floated on page 234 of my biography."

Jones' plan calls for each of the 1,400 prisoners in the Richmond City Jail to be relocated to the home of a family in Henrico or Chesterfield struggling to make its monthly mortgage. The city will reimburse each family $2,312 a month to cover living expenses for the inmate.

A steady stream of county residents has been flowing through the city jail since Jones announced his plan earlier this week, primarily homeowners interviewing potential house guests matched through the city's partnership with Match.com.

New Crupi Report Reverses Course: Keep Existing Leaders Alive

Richmond's leaders should live forever, according to strategic consultant Jim Crupi, and shouldn't bother building a bench of younger leaders or influential players outside of the existing business and political community.

"Especially in tough economic times, you don't want to waste time, energy or money on people who just don't understand the importance of waiting things out," Crupi told the Retail Merchants Association. The association is the ninth organization to hire Crupi, a Texas-based consultant, to reassure local leaders that the status quo is sexy -- and oddly prescient.

"What the Richmond region needs is to recognize that men like L. Douglas Wilder and Tom Bliley and Gene Trani aren't a dime a dozen," Crupi's report noted. "These are giants in a region swarming with gnats. They come along once in a generation, waste a lot of time and money, and leave it to the next generation to clean up."

The solution, Crupi's report states, is to kick the ball down the field. The best way to do that? Avoid the inevitable and focus the region's energy on keeping its existing crop of leaders alive.

"To that end, Virginia Commonwealth University's Health Sciences Campus will commit all of its resources to extending the natural lives of 73 of Richmond's leading citizens," said Michael Rao, newly named President of Virginia Commonwealth University.

APRIL FOOL'S POST: Goochland Makes Pitch for Regional Stadium West of Richmond

APRIL FOOL'S POST:

The Goochland Gazette reports that a regional collaborative effort between the counties of Goochland, Chesterfield, Dinwiddie and Powhatan might result in a minor league baseball stadium being constructed adjacent to the Watkins Center development near Route 288 in western Chesterfield.

"Goochland had a fair amount of extra cash left over from some utility overpayments, and Chesterfield was looking for a partner to pony up some money for a new ball field," the Gazette reports an anonymous Goochland County official as saying. "It just made sense."

"And we thought it might really annoy Virgil," the official noted, refering to Henrico's County Manager, Virgil Hazelett.

The planned stadium would seat 43,000 people, and a regional consortium would be established to manage the excess cash flow.

Henrico Purchases Richmond; VCU To Form Breakaway Government

In a series of last minute maneuvers in the wake of former Richmond Mayor Doug Wilder's announcement that the City of Richmond was bankrupt, representatives from Henrico and Chesterfield counties have seized legal authority over much of the city's 63-square-mile acreage. In a related move late last night, officials from Virginia Commonwealth University announced that the university would form its own county and initiated moves to annex much of downtown Richmond, including Oregon Hill and Jackson Ward.

Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine called for calm even as workers from both counties were at work late last night surveying and marking the boundaries of their newly expanded jurisdictions.

"Residents of the former City of Richmond will have many new opportunities as residents of Henrico County, and we are excited to welcome them to their new community," said Virgil Hazelett, county manager for Henrico. Henrico essentially claimed all of Richmond's land north of the James River, as well as the Manchester district.

More details were not available at press time.

Mizrahi Will "Dress Up" Monument Avenue Statues

The City of Richmond announced a new partnership with fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi to revitalize the city's public statuary -- beginning with the revitalization of the famous Civil War statues along historic Monument Avenue.

"People know that the times are changing," Richmond Mayor L. Douglas Wilder said at a press conference announcing the partnership. "It's high time public officials in this city look the facts straight in the eye -- those statues are just horribly unattractive. They need a little help if this city is going to be known as a 21st Century City."

Mizrahi told the crowd that his plans for at least five of the statues -- those of Confederate generals Stuart, Lee and Jackson, as well as that of Confederate President Jefferson Davis and Matthew Maury -- would be completed in the fall.

"When the mayor called and floated this idea past me, you have no idea how tingly it made me," Mizrahi said. "To take these icons of war and manliness and bring them into the modern era, well, you can't imagine the thrill. I'm thinking taffeta, and maybe a splash of velvet for Stuart."

Mizrahi showed several proposed treatments for the statue redesigns, including a dramatic overhaul of the statue of Robert E. Lee. That proposal involves wrapping the statue in a thin veneer of lavender-tinted tin, which Mizrahi says will add "just the right subtle splash" on the historic boulevard.

"I really envision something magical," Mizrahi said of the Lee concept. "In addition to the tin veneer, we'll probably do something to soften the actual base of the statue to make it more approachable, to give it what my friend Sandra Bernhard could call 'the special touch.'"

Representatives from the Sons of the Confederacy were not available for comment.

Times-Dispatch Large Print Edition Planned

In response to the changing demographics of the Richmond region, the area's only daily newspaper has announced plans to release a large-print edition targeted exclusively at the region's senior set.

"Beginning Sunday, April 6, the Richmond Times-Dispatch will transform its design and its content to better meet the needs of the area's growing Boomer population," said Thomas Silvestri, the paper's publisher. Silvestri was speaking to a select audience of residents from area retirement communities at a recent Public Forum organized by the Times-Dispatch.

"In addition to tripling the size of the text used for news articles -- from 12 point New Times Roman to the more dramatic Bodoni set in 36 points -- we'll be refocusing the newspaper's coverage to serve the information needs of Richmond's gray mares," Silvestri said. The change is not a result of the recent acquisition of the newspaper by Reader's Digest Association, Silvestri noted.

The daily will resurrect its "Richmond In Bygone Days" column and bring back the popular social column originally published each week by Richmond's afternoon newspaper. Silvestri promised "more of what you love" to the audience, including "more obituaries, more coupons, more Word Scramble."

"Our studies also show that having just one story on the front page will suit the needs of our readers better," Silvestri said. "The average Times-Dispatch reader has too many decisions to make each day to have to sort through multiple news stories -- they want to take in the day's news in a glance before getting back to four hours of the 'Today Show'."

"I'm as pleased as punch," said Henrico resident Chadwick Atkins, a retired doctor and newspaper subscriber. "It tickles me pink that the paper will be doubling the number of obituaries run each day. My wife is just darn excited about the expanded Bingo directory."

The large-print edition of the Times-Dispatch will gradually replace the traditional newspaper, Silvestri said. He gave no time-line for the transition.

Pennsylvanians Boycott Polls for Democratic Primary

In a move that has sent shock waves through the nation's political establishment, union-friendly Pennsylvania has declared a statewide electoral strike.

"Until further notice, the residents of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania are on electoral strike," Governor Edward Rendell said in a press conference held just three weeks before the state is slated to hold its Democratic primary. "Eligible voters will picket the polls on April 22, and any voters who cross the picket line will be dealt with accordingly."

Rendell would not elaborate on any possible consequences for voters who choose to exercise their constitutional right to vote.

Pennsylvania residents voted for the strike in a special election held last week, even as Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama swept through the state in search of votes. Exit polls suggested that Pennsylvanians were simply tired of all the attention presidential politics bring.

Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, threatened the Pennsylvania Democratic Party with "severe punishment" for its actions.

"The PDNC will not receive any proceeds from the sale of t-shirts during this summer's national convention," Dean said.

Revised Downtown Plan Proposes Plastic Coating for James River

In a surprising turnabout, Richmond's Planning Commission has asked the city's Department of Community Development to make significant changes to Richmond's proposed Downtown Plan.

The recommendations -- channeling water from the James River through the Downtown Expressway; a new dress code for all downtown residents and visitors; and covering the river with a clear polyurethane coating recently developed by Dupont -- set Richmond apart from other river cities, officials say.

"We've worked hard to incorporate the best ideas generated by our stakeholders in the development and business communities," said commission co-chairperson Bev Lacy at a press conference yesterday. "The entire commission is excited about our proposals to transform the city, and put Richmond on the map again."

A March charrette brought together most of the executives who funded the development of the Crupi Report, a strategic look into Richmond's future delivered to city leaders last fall. The charrette was designed to correct the flawed designs in the initial draft Downtown Plan, which was developed by hundreds of residents in a series of meetings in 2007.

"Look, it's hard for average citizens to really understand the nuances of modern urban planning and architecture," said Bob Mills, a local architect and the other co-chair of the commission. "It was great to see so many people with such passion for Richmond, and I'm really elated that we could bring the development community into this creative conversation to help put some shape to the plan."

Among the report's recommendations:

• Plastics: Aquathene, a new plasticine coating developed by local chemical company Dupont, will be used to create a clear, protective shell covering the James River from the Huguenot Bridge to the I-95 bridge. Environmentalists laud the proposal, which they say will protect the "look and feel" of the river for generations to come.


• Uniforms: In an effort to restore the vitality of downtown Richmond around the mid-1900s, the commission proposes strict dress requirements for all residents and visitors to the downtown area. Gentlemen will be expected to wear sock garters, suede shoes and bow-ties. Ladies are required to wear hose. Dresses must show no more than two inches of ankle or lower leg.


• Downtown Song: The Planning Commission will launch an "American Idol-like" contest to select a new song celebrating downtown Richmond, Lacy said. City employees will meet outside of City Hall daily to serenade the Mayor and City Council once the song is selected.