In contrast to the generally positive spin in the NYTimes, our "We tried to do everything there is to do in Richmond in 24 hours" story was filled with all the angst you might have expected from a couple of Twenty-something hipsters during the first year of the Clinton administration. I'm a bit taken aback to read through it and get a sense of what a frustrated crab apple I was at the age of 25.
We tried to do everything there is to do in Richmond in 24 hours
Our plan was to sweep through this poky Southern town in 24 hours, from Carytown to Shockoe Bottom, Jackson Ward to Oregon Hill. We started out confident. The sun was bright, we were young.
Then Richmond scorched our karma. Our hometown kicked us in the teeth.
Carytown was the first stop in our quest to enjoy the city. The shining shopping district is one of several employment centers responsible for keeping many of our friends struggling just above the poverty line. You won't be served by minimum wage workers in this stretch of Richmond. No, sir. This is the $4.50-an-hour part of town.
1:00 p.m.
The remodeled Christie's was our lunchtime haven. Thumbs up to the Fugazi bread -- what an alternative scene! Good sandwiches, good limeade. The curried rice tastes like battery acid. Like everything in Richmond, even this charming cafe has its downside. I wasn't sure if it was the rice or the overabundance of polished furniture.
Carytown Seafood exudes an odor that makes patio dating at Christie's feel like a working man's lunch. A variety of relatively fresh fish lined the cases, including some fine looking Red Snapper. "Usually I have a bigger selection," we were told by the fish monger behind the counter, "but the fish are a little off right now." We thought of "The Old Man and the Sea." The first grey cloud floated overhead. An ominous sign.
Just 45 minutes into our day and our spirits were high. The girls at The Phoenix helped buoy us even further. Not connoisseurs of women's clothing, Jim and I still feel reasonably confident enough to touch on a few specifics. Nice hats. Great counter stools, made from actual train springs. But if a girl we dated came out of the bathroom in some of the lingerie displayed, we'd be out the door in a second.
What size is that canvas hightop shoe displayed in the window of Hyman's, the shoestore owned by Mr. Hyman Hyman Hyman? A lovely pair of orange, yellow and blue platform shoes on display behind the counter. Overhead whilst browsing, "It works for me every time in the warehouse, Ma! Come back here and I'll show you!"
At Luxor's, young Lars and his Dinosnaps were the second glint of sun on our journey. Lars and countergirl-nee-babysitter Natalie slaved away at crafts -- glue, glitter and colored paper scattered across the counter -- while two suburban chicks browsed the racks. Luxor's is blessed with a great selection of ties, and costume jewelry fills the glass cases. A portrait of Colonel Sanders hangs above the sales floor.
We were escorted to the risque section of Cards Cards Cards in search of "the funniest card you have." The place is quintessential Carytown. Where else can you buy the tiny boxes with two Chicklets? This place has it all. Hand puppets. Garish items for your pets. Funny cards, expensive cards, stupid cards, recycled cards, cards, cards. Plan on buying in bulk.
At Plan 9 -- the busy season. Aisles filled with compact disc fans. Shrugging off peer pressure, I bought an old Jawbox tape, avoiding the new clerk from Minneapolis who told me a week earlier that Jawbox was "all right, but they're too white bread live." Great. How we have to judge our musical selections on ethnic lines. Musical districting -- where is Joe Morrisey these days?
Store manager Mary escorted us through the bulk section of Integral Yoga, but even the bulk foods manager couldn't tell us what the most popular items were. We admired the almost-home feel of accumulated raisin gunk on the raisin scoop. Mmmm, free samples. Organic produce is wrinkled, tiny produce. Eat healthy, be strong.
After I walked headlong into a door at Rite Aid, we hurried from Carytown and headed for Main Street.
3:00 p.m.
Images. Scheduling a hair appointment with Laura, we are accosted by Melanie, the store's owner. "This isn't going to be some adolescent male publication, is it?" We soon diverted her and began discussing new hair coloring product. You can now shampoo that color right in. Another miracle of the twentieth century. Lord knows, we've little enough time left for those. I schedule an appointment to have my own tousled scalp pruned.
3:15 p.m.
The sun has reached its apex by the time we sit down to chat with the cutest coffee girl in Richmond, Amy at World Cup. Little do we know that this is going to be the last bright moment of our long journey into the night.
We ask Amy if she is concerned about franchising. What if World Cup suddenly becomes Maxwell House's World Cup with a drive through and uniforms for the employees? She doesn't seem worried. Both of us are on the verge of asking Amy to run away with us when a man walks in wearing very short, very tight cut-offs. Flustered, we leave.
3:45 p.m.
At Novel Futures, we discover that subtle humor doesn't always work. "Do you think the Klingons at Kings Dominion can speak Klingonese?" I ask the woman behind the counter, as I fondle a cassette that is guaranteed to have you speaking Klingonese in 30 days or less.
She looks perplexed for a moment, and then says she will ask her friend who works there. She tells us when the actors from Kings Dominion go on promotional tours, they aren't allowed to drive because they are from another century. We stare blankly at her, look at the new comics and leave.
For some reason, we are not drawn to Buddy's. We head for the car. Five minutes later, we are at Stuart Circle Pharmacy, where Penelope tells us we are too late for limeades. They also have espresso. And great omelets. And we miss it all. The pharmacist announces that Southern Living is recognizing the counter as having the best limeade in the South for the second year straight. And we can't even celebrate.
4:30 p.m.
The Slave Pit, home to GWAR. It's off the beaten path, but we need to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the toilet is broken. We watch a GWAR slave ink animated stills for the upcoming GWAR flick and wonder why Disney hasn't tried to buy the rights to stuffed GWAR Babies. The McDonald's across the street has fine restrooms and we see Danielle -- aka GWAR dancer Slymenstra -- climb into her car with a bag of burgers. Our brush with fame.
5:00 p.m.
Unavoidable. We are at the Village, wondering why I decided to order a bowl of sauerkraut with my coffee. Attractive girls walk by, our eyes meet, they glance at the bowl of sour cabbage on the table before me and burst out laughing. Our waitress won't remove the kraut-filled bowl from the table. I cover it with newspaper.
The rain begins in earnest.
At Station Break, we play of NBA Pro and are easily trounced, 52-29, by two old hands. Very unrealistic: Charlotte would never stumble so badly against Utah.
A quick stop through Exile's to glance through the racks. We leave in a hurry when the girl behind the counter snaps at us. Our mood sours. We'd hoped to make a purchase. And the gallery is closed to make way for World of Mirth. A toy store on Grace Street. I can almost get excited about the concept.
A glance through the window of the Grace Street Theatre does nothing to make us believe it will ever open. Another Richmond lie.
Dashing through mud puddles to Absolute Art Tattoo, where tattooist Jeff Eden turns out to be in a surly mood. We browse through photos of his work. Impressive. We head downstairs to Bidder's Suite.
Damn fine coffee, even better salads. Still, we knew the city had turned against us when the waiter caught me using the house phone. I should've asked first. Once again, I feel like the idiot. Beaten, we trudge back to the car and head up Grace Street.
7:00 p.m.
On Monument Avenue, chasing away bad memories of Easter Parades and Croquet Tournaments. We try to revitalize ourselves at a friend's apartment, but ultimately decide to head for Shockoe Bottom. I'm in a foul mood. I figure the Bottom can only drag me down.
After stopping by Central Fidelity's out-of-order cash machine in Carytown, we head east on Cary Street, straight for Hell. Straight for Shockoe Bottom.
8:15 p.m.
It is a deluge outside. On the 1500 block of Cary Street, a car pulls out in front of us. Jim hits the brakes and we breathe a sigh of relief when we come to a collision-free stop. Then my forehead hits the dashboard.
Stumbling out of the car and into the rain, rubbing our necks. A car has hit us from behind. The girl driving leaps out and looks at the crumpled front of her car. I look at Jim's completely unwrinkled bumper. That's something going our way, I think.
"Why did you stop!?" the girl yells, mildly rattled by the incident. "Why didn't you?" I wonder. As Jim seeks to straighten things out, I walk across the street to call the police. I step up to an occupied porch.
A jaundiced man sits in a wheelchair with an IV in his arm and a scraggly young girl clutches a cat and a portable phone. She holds the phone out. I call 911, only mildly taken aback when the operator fails to ask me if anyone is injured.
Back across the street and under the ledge of a building. Jim and Amanda -- our partner in collision -- stand damp and discouraged. It takes the police 15 minutes to arrive, and then the cop drives right past the scene and stops two blocks down the street. Jim sets off down the sidewalk to retrieve him only to watch him pull off when he's just feet from the car. Dejected, he stumbles back to the scene of the accident.
The cop returns, and finally finds the right location. He's big. He's white. He lumbers over, looks at the cars, looks at Amanda and says, "This must be your fault." Still shaken, she tries to defend herself. Officer John Morgan would have none of that. "What is it was a young child that ran in front of your car?" he asks. I sigh and look at Jim. This is going to be a long night.
An hour later, we lurch out of Officer John Morgan's car, the three of us exchanging looks of amazement and annoyance. No wonder crime is through the ceiling in this town.
We drive Amanda back to her work and -- finally -- arrive at the Memphis Grill. Our friends are still there, drunk and angry.
9:45 p.m.
The Memphis Grill. If I had to spend time in the Bottom on a regular basis, it would be here. The menu is sparse. But they have pork chops and applesauce. And beer is beer. It lies off the beaten path and the lighting is dim. Still, I'm sure someone will soon open Jimmy Buffet's Caribbean Buffet Bar next door. I'm sure of it.
Wiping blood off my chin (one bite into my well-done burger), my mood simmers to hateful levels. Richmond has done it again. I am crumbling.
My ugly course is set like Jason and his Argonauts. I pay the steep tab, overtip the waitress and head for the Floodzone. Jesus Lizard can't disappoint. Sure.
The rain has ended. For some reason, that just makes me more angry.
11:00 p.m.
Jesus Lizard is on stage and the place is packed with too many attractive people. I expend a lot of energy hating them all. After enjoying a lively performance by Jesus Lizard, I stand on the balcony, hoping for the best from Helmet. The Floodzone's best attribute is its balcony and other multiple-level platforms. Even the dullest shows can be enhanced by the mobility provided by this cavern.
But even the 'Zone can't save Helmet. They fulfill other people's expectations, I later learn. They barely dent mine. Jim is also grimacing.
12:20 a.m.
The monotony, the beer, my accident-weary neck, my mood -- they all suddenly collide. I'm living in Richmond. I can't be happy. I begin to hope that someone just beats me up.
Embracing exhaustion and frustration, I grab Jim and we head home.
It's no shocker that Richmond managed to grind me down in a few hours. After all, I made the mistake of planning to have a great time traveling through the city.
Since my first solo trip downtown at age 15, Richmond has been throwing surprises in my face. Inevitably, the Richmond police are somehow involved. Without fail, I head home cursing.
Still, there was so much left to do. Dumpster-diving at Pizza Hut for a late night snack. Chatting it up with police officers and 7-Eleven clerks. Alley shopping for some furniture for my apartment. We didn't even make it for drinks at the Old Dominion Club.
Of course, the following week everything flowed as smoothly as the James River when we hit the streets. Until the sound system at Club Colours blew and the show started late. It was all uphill from that point, of course. Ah, Richmond.
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